6 July 2006 We should be in charge of breeding rights.

It has come to our attention that there needs to be some way to regulate human breeding. Things have clearly gotten out of control. I'm not talking about overpopulation and whatever global ramifications it may have on us all (I'm willing to share a bed if I need to). I'm talking about stupid people who, while not quite advanced enough to comprehend common social behavior, are capable of (and free to practice) reproduction. You may be thinking "that is completely illegal I have my rights!" but guess what, we checked the Constitution, and it says nothing about boning, anywhere. We have the stated right to bear arms and vulgarities but not children or kinky acts, it would seem. This is a key clue as to why so few people have actually read the Constitution.

Remember that kid who used to take his shirt off and hump cabinets in your high school English class? He's a dad! Of two kids! Apparently (1) he realized cabinets weren't getting him anything besides splinters and (2) this caused an actual change in his behavior resulting in (3) his stumbling his way onto an actual girl. We don't know how this happened, or what "substance" the girl was "controlling" at the time in question, if you catch my drift, but things like this clearly need to stop.

This brings me to the very core — the nexus, if you will — of my rant. We at TNE should be in charge of handing out breeding permission slips. We'd have a few people working under us — a committee of some sort — but we would have the final say and veto power. We have put up with a large enough quantity of stupid people to fill, well, most of the planet (the part under the oceans) which makes us uniquely qualified for such a noble task. We really think we need to avoid increasing that quantity. (Furthermore we have a deranged sense that this is our vocation — it tastes like manifest destiny with a sprig of Blues Brothers. Mmmm-licious.) So, a simple fix: we create a basic competency test and administer it to every person at their dawn of puberty. The test would be something a little like this.

When a baby cries it should be:
A) fed
B) changed
C) A or B
D) shaken/stirred

Anyone who checks off "D" gets a black mark on their permanent record. A small verbal portion would follow: anyone who uses the words "acrost," "guesstimate," "nucular," or "heighth" loses points. Also, if they mention anything about Bush "having some good points" in anything he has ever said, they get slapped just for good measure.

Finally, they are put in a movie theatre and their cell phone is called. If they answer it (or have it set on anything other than "off" or "silent") they receive an automatic failure. In this case, or if they have otherwise failed the test, they then receive an equine kick in the nadleys.

This test would provide a clear and decisive end to the influx of stupid, vexing people into the human race. If you think the test is cruel, just look at it this way: it gives natural selection a little assistance* (see note). If those people kept breeding, their kids would be too dumb to get out of the way of a moving bus or would decide that they want to become pop/country singers, and we would have to put up with an intolerable amount of resultant wailing in either case. Besides, who needs MORE shirtless cabinet humpers?

*Note: If you just read this and thought (either to yourself or aloud, enraged, to your computer screen) "Darwin is full of crap!" you get a pass to go to the head of the ball-kickin' line.