16 April 2007 Taste No Evil's File THIS (*gesture*)!

It is that time of year when unimaginative math nerds grab their financial calculators and jump with joy, when econ majors pompously scoff at bio majors for having wasted 4 years of college, and lawyers drop to second on the list of the world's most hated professionals. Oh yes, it's that most wonderful time of year again when people dream of sugarplum write-offs and ponder whether it is time to add another dependent to the family. It's TAX TIME!

Normal civilians are constantly confused by taxes and have a lot of questions. Where is the money going? Why do I have to pay? Who can I claim as a dependent? If I have someone else do my laundry, am I a dependent? We at Taste No Evil have had many questions about taxes sent to us (people confused us for the IRS because Evil was in our e-mail address), so we made some phone calls, visited some people, studied tax law, drank some beer, and are now here to answer those questions.

You are publishing this on April 16th. Taxes are ALWAYS due on April 15th. You have a problem with timing.

WRONG! While taxes are always due on the 15th of April, making it the least lucky day of the year to be born on (true fact), this year, due to the 15th falling on a Sunday, and the Boston Marathon on Monday, the entire country doesn't have to report till Tuesday!

Don't you mean because of Patriots Day you don't have to report till Tuesday?

While we are as big a fan of the Patriots as anyone else, the Patriots aren't even playing Monday! Trust us, it is the marathon.

There are a lot of programs for doing taxes online — which one would you suggest?

We actually are not advocates for doing taxes online. You should use a bookie tax accountant so you can at least look at someone while you are being screwed. Otherwise it's just so impersonal.

Who is getting the money I pay in taxes?

George Bush has set up an offshore account where all your taxes will be saved and that durn Democrat Congress cannot "tamperize" with them for "programs that ain't benefit the rich."

Why do I have to pay taxes?

When signing up to be a part of this society (remember?) you agreed to pay taxes. The government then takes these taxes and blows them in numerous places such as on booze, coke, hookers, mistresses, building bridges, free postal service for members of Congress, and covering up indiscretions caused by the previous tax uses (drunk letter-sending causes NOTHING but problems for Congress, and as for building bridges while on coke, WHOA. Bad news).

What is a dependent and how can I get one?

A dependent is someone who relies on you to survive. Anyone you do not breathe directly for does not apply... haha, joking! That was a little tax humor for you. A child, mentally handicapped adult, senile parents (are there any other kind), a large dog (must, that is, be too large for purse conveyance), or even a particularly needy houseplant [sweet, there are like 10 orchids in my apartment, and they are hell of fickle - ed.] can be claimed as a dependent by a good enough accountant. If you are looking to get yourself some dependents, you can do so the old-fashioned way by making a bad decision after a bottle of Jack, adopting one from a local orphanage, stealing them from the local elementary school, or going overseas and trading shiny glass beads for one from a tribal group.

Deductions seem so trivial — what can be deducted? Who decides these things?

You can get deductions for all kinds of things, especially if you own your own business. We couldn't figure out who decides what can be deducted, but all research points to a demon who lives in the basement of the IRS building (8th level of hell). You can get deductions for business travel, commuting to work, long distance phone bills, being green (you should see Kermit's write-offs), and other random things that we don't understand. Our suggestion is that if you are going to write things off, make sure you have the receipt, and if not, you can write off about 10 to 15 in a federal penitentiary.

Are there ways to avoid paying taxes?

There are many ways to avoid paying taxes. One way is to avoid making any money — that always works — or you can make an exorbitant amount of money and know how to invest it and hide it so that the government can only look at it while licking their chops. There are also groups of people who refuse to pay income taxes (mainly in NH) because they claim that "no place in the constitution does it say they have to pay an income tax." It also says nothing about becoming someone's girlfriend in prison, but that happens too, possibly even more frequently.

Have you completed your taxes yet?

Pffft!

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Undoubtedly this small snippet of wisdom from Taste No Evil has made your tax adventure a little less daunting and has inspired you to be a little more "creative" in your tax filing. We like to think that we at Taste No Evil provide the paddle for those up Shit Creek. And don't forget — when the IRS asks you who gave you your tax advice, make sure to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you... well at that point I doubt God can even help you. But good luck, we will be out of the country for a while.

Note: The Writer would like to send a special shout-out to The Drawer who completed the Boston Marathon today through grueling winds, drenching rains, and a bad case of didn't train enough. The Writer would also like to congratulate himself on making it to work today through those same conditions.