21 May 2007 Gravelmania!

With mass debating already taking place at this early point in the campaign season, regular people journalists are getting so excited that they are prematurely blowing their newsy loads into papers and all over TV (talk about TV-MA!) across the nation. We at Taste No Evil want to join in on the fun! The hits have already starting to fall on both sides of the aisle with name calling, pinching, crying, and even some light and vaguely erotic slapping. Here comes some more fodder for the proverbial fire in our latest installment of "Taste No Evil's 2008 Presidential Run!" With luck no one else will have dropped out by the time we get this online. As we stated in our last column on the presidential primary, we are going to be pulling names out of a hat and profiling those candidates and their campaigns as we rev up our own run for 2008. The next candidate up for a profile is Democrat Mike Gravel.

FUN FAKTZ BREAKDOWN!
Name: Mike Gravel
Party: Democrat
Home State: Alaska (born in Massachusetts)
Political Baggage: Ex-Senator
Political Slogan: "Let the people decide" (they will Mike, oh they will)

Missing - Mike Gravel. Lost sometime in the early Nixon era. We at Taste No Evil have, using the cutting-edgest, state-of-the-artest (some might go so far as to claim avant-gardest) computer technology, enhanced his photo so that we may get a glimpse of what Mike might look like today if he suddenly reemerged as an underdog presidential candidate.

Early Gravel... ...Current Gravel!


Buzz, buzz, buzz, zip, bing, bang, bong, crack, DING!

...becomes...

(Mike may or may not have a mustache depending on if he wants to look presidential or not.)

A Portrait of Taft

[Note: no president has rocked a 'stache in office since Taft pushed it (corpulently) out of style around 1913. Any candidate running with a mustache is not only running against the other candidates, but also against The Curse Of The Taft (who when he ran for re-election took the bronze medal. You don't even get a consolation prize for that!) Taft was also the fattest president in history. Loved taffy. To the tune of several hundred eventual pounds of fattalyzed taffy.]

After going missing in the early 70's, Mike reemerged from the Alaskan woods in '06 to declare his presidential ambitions. He immediately became the frontrunner in the moose, caribou, and Inuit communities.

From its inception, the Gravel campaign was flying under the radar (stealth mode) of everyone (including some of his campaign staff and his wife) until his fiery preformance at the first presidential debate, when he stated that he was "frightened to be up on stage with some of these people" (has an issue with short people, and he still can't talk to girls — this is in particular why his wife was unaware of his campaign) and asked Obama "who he wanted to nuke?" (Answer: Hillary's campaign office. What a twist ending!) After the debate, hits on Gravel's campaign website shot up over 16142% — from 1 person having looked at it in the previous six months to well over 1,000 people in a matter of days! The recent interest in Gravel has spiked his poll numbers around the country to soar from n/a to about 1% — an infinite increase in support.

Li'l bit o' history!
Some of Mike's previous accomplishments are: having singlehandedly performed a filibuster (for definition go here) for five months (that is a lot of talking!) to end the draft in the Vietnam War. While this is something that Gravel is very proud of, many have campaigned against him using the argument "Think how long the State of the Union will be!" Gravel also pushed for the publication of the Pentagon Papers to reveal the corruption that was taking place in the office of the President during the Vietnam War. When this was denied, he got up in front of the Senate and read 4,100 pages of the document. That is maybe more pages than we have read in our lives, combined. This man can talk!

The platform ("this deck ain't look too steady!")
Gravel is adamantly opposed to the war in Iraq, has proposed doing away with the IRS, and is trying to create a new "people's legislature" where bills can appear on a national ballot for everyone to vote on to make the system more "democratic." Gravel is also pushing for universal health care (probibly so he can afford to go to the hospital after getting beat up in this campaign).

For more information, you can undertake a search for Mike Gravel on The Google, or you can contact his campaign for more information. It takes a while for letters to get to Alaska, but the snow should be melting soon!