7 August 2006 TNE on Lovin', Volume 2

See the previous post for the subtle deliciousness of Volume 1, which picks up here without even a pause for breath.

How to get a girl.

Pay attention, this is complicated. Any girls reading this, please look away for a minute. Dudes, girls do not want nice guys, they like asses. If you act as if you are too good for them, they will come in swarms. The "good guy" they are looking for is just an act. Ask any good guy. OK women, you can start reading again. It goes without saying that many of you should lower your standards. Those beer goggles that allowed you to hook up with Swamp Thing last weekend should permanently be attached to your face. Angelina is out of your bracket range (this is something that Taste No Evil is establishing for the good of mankind. Read our next column on the newly introduced Dating Bracket and Scoring System), so stop waiting for her to knock on your door. Brad knocked her door, knocked her up, and you were NEVER in that equation anywhere... unless during a craving she bought McDonalds from you. So in short, lower your standards, go for an easy girl, and if it comes to it just double paper bag her, one for her head, and one for your head... in case hers falls off.

One of the major problems with finding women is actually finding them in appropriate venues where one can engage in a conversation without having to be yelling over loud music, and dancing, and trying to get your mack on all at the same time. This is the dating equivalent of chewing gum, walking, and juggling 5 flaming torches — it isn't easy. Following are some places that we at Taste No Evil have found are damn good for picking up the ladies.

Coffee shops. I know what you are all thinking: "God I hate coffee-stained teeth." But trust me, throw a little Colgate at those babies and the dull yellow becomes a dull off-whitish. Don't tell me that isn't sexy!

The beach. It is summer, it is hot, go to the beach, bring a Frisbee or a football, and accidentally throw it at groups of hot girls. We haven't really thought it out more than that, but it sounds like a good start, doesn't it?

Baseball games. Chicks dig ball players. While we at Taste No Evil do not endorse lying, we cannot prove that you don't play for a major league team. Though they are effective, use these tactics sparingly as they can backfire in such a manner that suddenly your balls are the ones being hit.

Political rallies. Nothing turns a woman on like a guy who believes in something and is willing to stand up for what he believes in (not the existence of Bigfoot*). Show up, wave a sign, get a number or two, and make sure you support something that women like; think guns.

Well there you go! We are passing on our wealth of knowledge to you, our Taste No Evil readers, and like any power, it can be used for good, or evil. Please play responsibly. Happy hunting! And if you are still looking for something to do this Saturday night, get in touch with us, we will be at our parents place watching Seinfeld re-runs. Stop on by.

* We at Taste No Evil are not suggesting that Bigfoot does not exist. We have no evidence to the contrary. In fact, we may have been behind him in line at the store the other day; he was buying 2% milk, eggs, and Gillette Mach 3 Razor blades. Still, women, for the most part, do not believe in Bigfoot, so he should stay out of most conversations and relationships.