6 October 2006 COLLEGE! A Primer to the NESCAC Schools - Part I

We at Taste No Evil miss college. This real world with "work" and whatnot kinda blows — note Jono NOT doing any Pics of the Week — and makes us long for the days of drinking (for some (half) of us), living with your friends, freshmenwomen, and living in a totally care-free environment — well, except for having to get good grades and not fail at life (hooking up with a train wreck is considered a sign of failure at life). THUS, in remembrance of those wonderful times, we are producing an eleven-part series called "COLLEGE! Why We Make Bad Decisions (Like Going To Bates)" or "A Primer to the NESCAC Schools."

While there are many good schools out there to rip on, we at Taste No Evil are very attached to the NESCAC conference, so are going to be focusing on them for this series. If you feel left out, e-mail us and we will take a cheap shot at whatever sub-par institution you ended up going to (probably an Ivy if you are whining). TasteNoEvil at gmail dot com, remember.

Part the First: Amherst College

AT A GLANCE

College Name: Amherst College (Little Brother to Williams)

College Mascot: the Lord Jeffs (and his comfort blanky)

School Motto: Terras irradient ("Let them give pastel popped collars to the world")

Number of Students: 1,640, comprising 851 men, 789 women (don't worry men, Mt Holyoke is nearby and the ratio of men to women is slightly different there with 2,100 students — 2,023 women, 77 question marks.)

Price (2006-07): $43,360 (Ouch! Let's hope Daddy won't have to sell the yacht.)

BRIEF HISTORY OF THE COLLEGE

Incorporated in 1820, Amherst was dull enough to name itself after the town it was located in, kind of surprising considering one of its founders was Noah Webster, creator of the Webster Dictionary. Maybe he should have written a Thesaurus instead (ZING!). Notable graduates include Emily Dickinson (actually not exactly) and some other smart people.

While nationally recognized year after year as one of the best liberal arts colleges in the country (the president owns stock in a kneepad company*) (*note: this is hearsay), it is better known for the pastel-colored, collar-popping students who leave Amherst and suddenly feel better than everyone else because of the small NESCAC school they graduated from. While Amherst held the number one spot in the college ranking system for many years, the school that they had copied since their incorporation, Williams (think of Amherst as the annoying younger brother of the NESCAC), has overtaken them, leaving the President to try and figure out a new way to gain higher rankings (more Asians! He said it, not us). (Editors' disclaimer: don't quote us on that; we cannot prove that anyone ever said anything, either in the past, present, or in the future. As far as we can tell, the world is just the consistent humming of computer fans.)

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE COLLEGE

Naturally, when thinking about what college you want to go to (or, if you have graduated already, when thinking about whether you actually want to tell people where you graduated from), you have to consider some very important things. First off, do you want to go to a school that has the school colors of purple and white? You have to live with that for the rest of your life. You also have to accept the fact that your school is named after a town, which is named after a man, who it is thought started the whole trend of using small pox blankets to teach those damn Indians (feather, not dot) not to mess with Europeans who rightly owned the land due to God's decree, Manifest Destiny (see, Muslim extremists, we can listen to our God too. Now give us your oil!). While a creative use of resources (no one else wanted the blankets; Amherst claimed he was the inventor of recycling) not the best thing to be remembered by in today's PC (that's right Mac users! [Editor's note: booooo]) world.

Amherst College claims a wide range of extracurricular activities and groups, including club sports such as equestrian riding, fencing, and sailing, and clubs including Figure Skating, Cricket and The Sportsman Club ("we shoot guns and fish") (are the fish Smith and Wesson too?). With all the options that Amherst has to offer, no student will miss the days of lounging on the Vineyard or playing polo with the family while studying for a job in i-banking.

For more information on the college, visit:
www.amherstcollege.edu/we'restillbetterthanwilliams/noreally.html.

Next up, BATES.