24 October 2006 COLLEGE! A Primer to the NESCAC Schools - Part Drei

Outsourcing is the new fad in American Industry and we at TNE are doing our part to keep up with the cool. Here is a guest article straight from our favorite unemployed English major (is there any other kind) (no) who would prefer to be known as BP (not British Petroleum) due to his job search. He is currently waiting to hear back from Denny's. If you don't have a clue what this article is about, catch up and read Part I or Part II of COLLEGE! A Primer to the NESCAC Schools.

Part the Third: Hamilton College

it's the Denny's logo

AT A GLANCE

Name: Hamilton College.

College Mascot: The Continental Breakfast at Denny's. (Interesting trivia: if you go to a Denny's, there is a 76% chance that your server is a Hamilton grad.)

Team Name: Continentals.

Location: On a hill in Clinton, New York. It's a hop, skip, and 5,000 miles from any other NESCAC school.

Student Body: 1,780. Apparently, it is divided 50/50 between men and women. However, the men at Hamilton are pretty much women and the women are pretty much men, so Lord knows how they calculated that ratio. It's a guesstimate at best.

HISTORY

Hamilton College is named after Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton was a brilliant economist and author of the Federalist Papers. He was also one of the biggest losers in American history.

Hamilton College chooses to emulate Hamilton's dueling career instead of his political career. Their athletic teams try to cheat, attack wildly, get blasted, and then grovel around on the ground screaming in agony until the final whistle.

Ward Churchill Controversy. Hamilton got a lot of press when they tried to invite a delusional lunatic named Ward Churchill to speak at their campus in 2005. Churchill was famous for referring to victims of 9/11 as "Little Eichmanns." A Hamilton spokesman said, "We here at Hamilton wish to honor the honorable Prime Minister and believe he should have the opportunity to speak freely."

When informed that Ward Churchill was not the British Prime Minister, who had been dead for forty years, but a wacko from Colorado, the spokesman said, "Um, come again?"

On a matter of free speech, Hamilton paid Ward Churchill $3,500 to stay home.

it's the NESCAC logo

NESCAC Controversy. Hamilton was inducted into the New England Small College Athletic Conference in the 1970s, despite the fact that Hamilton is in New York, and New York is not part of New England. True NESCACers often say that Hamilton is, "the red-headed stepchild of the NESCAC." That doesn't really sum it up. More accurately, Hamilton is the "crack-addict-brother's-ex-girlfriend's-red-headed-stepchild-that-somehow-winds-up-in-your-care of the NESCAC." The NESCAC doesn't know how Hamilton got in to their life, they resent Hamilton and everything it represents, but they realize that they would look like a bastard to kick it out. So, they let it stay, grinding their teeth as they endure a steady stream of public humiliation brought upon them by the staggering ineptitude of their unwanted long-term guest.

ATHLETICS

Hamilton College has long been rumored to have won an athletic contest, once back in the late 70s. It was a duel in darts against the Perkins School for the Blind. Despite falling way behind early, the Continentals snuck away with their opponents' darts, disqualifying them and earning the victory.

streakers

Streaking Team. The Streaking Team has been the pride of Hamilton since 2002. Every year, the entire student body tries out. Only the fattest, sweatiest, pastiest, and stupidest are allowed on the football team. The rest join the Streaking Team. In true Hamilton form, the Streaking Team long claimed to be undefeated until someone actually challenged them to a contest. They promptly lost (to Williams, natch). Hamilton's ability to lose at something that only requires taking your clothes off, running around, and not getting arrested is impressive to say the least. Only Hamilton is capable of losing even at sports they invent with rules that don't exist.

So, if you get your GED and you have five or six years to kill along with a spare $160,000 lying around, you can join the Hamilton family! You're virtually guaranteed a job at Denny's when you're done.