24 August 2006 Goodbye Pluto

Today is perhaps one of the saddest days in our solar system's long history. Today the planet Earth decided to snub Pluto and kick him out of the planetary club. It has long been debated in science as to whether Pluto was actually a planet or just a large asteroid floating along next to Uranus like an interstellar dingleberry (haha butt jokes!). But today, the 24th of August in the year 2006, or 13 Aknal 11 Mac according to the Mayan Calendar that we at TNE prefer to live by, scientists have decided that Pluto no longer belongs.

So we at TNE ask... What Gives? Couldn't we leave well enough alone? Sure there may be other bodies of rock and ice and methane (from Uranus? It never gets old!) out there that may be the same size as Pluto, in the same area, and are pretty much the same thing, but you are just thinking scientifically then. That, my friends, is the problem with scientists. These damn "experts" aren't thinking about the cultural aspect of this decision. What about all the textbooks that now need to be changed (apparently scientists hate trees)? What about all the people who haven't read since high school (do scientists hate the ignorant? Apparently!)? What about Disney (not a fan of Cars?)? And more importantly, is this just another way for the supremacists to try and pick on something a little different from what we are used to? (i.e. "go to the back of the bus Pluto! You know, the solar system bus!")

It is already cold on Pluto, dark, and lonely. This is just another kick in the junk for a poor planet who was just trying to live the dream. The American Dream that the little guy can make it and be called not only a celestial body, but a planet. Sign up on our internet petition today to protest the tragic loss of Pluto! And by sign up on our internet petition I mean add a comment to this article saying that you plan on signing our petition after Jono comes back from vacation and creates one... or doesn't.*

* The answer is "doesn't," but leave a dang comment with your signature on it anyway.**

** Clarification, Nov. 2: Once we get the wall up on the new site, that is. Till then, don't.***

*** Clarification, June 6: The Webster knows PHP now, so this can actually be expected to come into existence soon!