1 December 2006 Spy vs. Spy

Dun da na dun dun dun da
dun da na dun dun dun da
dun da na dun dun dun da
dun da na dun dun dun da
da-nun na na na...
*¡BANG!*

The spy games have begun, and WE WANT IN. Intrigue, killing, trickery, lying, cheating, card games, women with names like "Christmas Jones" and "Pussy Galore," wire taps, poison, PP7s with silencers, sexual relations with numerous attractive women, and cars that can become boats/submarines. What guy doesn't want a car that can go underwater? (Note: not us!) (i.e. count us in for underwater cars, in case you were blindsided by the irruption of negatives. Underwatergoable cars are some amount of sweet, it is simply true.)

But that is not why we want to throw our hats (fedoras) into the spy arena. The actual reason is that we at Taste No Evil are in the business of helping the little guy, normal people, y'know? It has nothing to do with getting a watch that can be used as a stun gun.

In our first assignment in our new capacity, this is what we have decided: either Russia is back to its old Rusky tricks, killing their own agents with lethal doses of monstrously radioactive isotopes, OR Daniel Craig has gotten a little too far into his role as the Super Spy 007 and has started poisoning random people from Russia.

If Russia is back to its old tricks (/hos) these are some things that we can expect:

  1. Red is suddenly back in style.
  2. A challenge to reach the moon (best two out of three?)
  3. A new wall (in addition to the one between the US and Mexico).
  4. The Cool War (a little bit warmer than its historical counterpart due to global warming).
  5. Crazy people in charge of nuclear arsenals scratch that.
  6. Witch hunts.
  7. The United States stuck in a war that the public doesn't agree with, that the country can't get out of, in some remote part of the world...
  8. A lot more spy movies.

If Daniel Craig has lost his mind, we can logically expect him to engage in the following:

  1. Adopt a black baby from Russia.
  2. Be suspiciously connectable to the horrifying yet lucrative news event of the poisoning of every actor who has ever played a Russian bad guy.
  3. Appear on Oprah with specific intent to jump on a couch saying how in love he is — with POLONIUM.
  4. Make a movie called "Apocalypto."
  5. Start glowing from radiation exposure.
  6. Blame Russians/Jews/fickle African-American standup fans for everything.
  7. Show up to the Oscars in a Aston Martin, wearing a tux, with a beautiful girl on his arm, drinking vodka, and talking to his watch.
  8. A lot more spy movies.

And look at that! We just virtually (by which we mean didn't at all) solved the case that all of Britain's secret agents couldn't handle. Are there any 00 numbers left for a couple of real spies? We would like in particular to insinuate ourselves more into the blowing up things aspect of spying, so please let us know ASAP!

If anyone else has any cases that need solving, please don't hesitate to contact us as TasteNoEvil at gmail dot com. We will quickly and stealthily deal with them. By which we mean we won't at all.