16 September 2006 To the Moon

Recently NASA let the world know that they had "lost" the original recording of the first man walking on the moon. While many people out there are touting this as "evidence" (Where's the bloody glove?) for a faked moon landing and walk, I see it as more of an opportunity. NASA should take a clue from another expert on space, George Lucas, and take this loss and turn it into a gain. Remake the original, and re-release it in theaters to make more money to fund the space program. Think of it. The old picture was grainy, choppy, and didn't have great sound quality. People don't want to watch that on a new 54-inch plasma TV with Dolby surround sound. They want something sexy, something fast, something more like... well, a sexy, fast, walk on the moon.

While a moon jog isn't quite what we are going for (think Chariots of Fire with moon boots), perhaps selling it as a moon sprint, away from evil aliens from Pluto (who are pissed off because they no longer live on a planet) with digital effects including lasers, explosions, and spaceships would definitely get us to a theater. As long as Jar Jar Binks isn't in the movie.

It is time for NASA to step up to bat and make space travel sexy. Those suits have to go. They are bulky, clumsy, and slow; they show no curve, no cleavage, and no rippling muscles for whatever actors they are going to get to walk battle on the moon. Would James Bond be caught dead wearing those suits — even if it was to save Mother England (father Norway?)? NO, he wouldn't, because he needs a suit that can easily be taken off to bang hot moon chicks (or aliens with the proper anatomy). Neil Armstrong was a good first attempt; he played the part well, BUT think of what we could do with a Vin Diesel as our first American on the moon. We didn't land there; we conquered it, and then raced around it in a car stealing shit from the aliens who had the place first — maybe that is why they hate us (is their oil on the moon?).

As we write this there are two Americans floating around in outer space (where is inner space? [answer: it is in your heart, Ben - ed.]) performing repairs on the International Space Station. They got to the space station in a shuttle called Atlantis. Are we the only people that this bothers? I mean, we are no rocket scientists (hopefully the people at NASA are), buuuut last we checked, Atlantis was an island that sunk to the bottom of the ocean, probably the Atlantic (linguistics saves the day as always!), and any island that is beaten by the Atlantic has got to suck. (The Pacific is a different story.) Anyway, what is this saying about our space program? We should be naming our shuttles after gods like Zeus, Hermes, Muhammad (you still can't have a nuclear program!), Lance Armstrong, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barry Bonds (on the roids, not off), and Superman. If we were astronauts (which we aren't, just to clarify) we would feel much safer flying into space in Shuttle Schwarzenegger than something called Atlantis (still lost last we checked).