23 August 2006 What's your number?

This is the third installment of Taste No Evil's guide to getting it on. While the previous two installments were dealing with the best way to meet a potential mate... or hook up, or just meet someone of the opposite sex, or same sex I suppose if you are into that... I guess the previous two installments were simply about manipulating others and yourself so that you can be put into a situation where someone might consider doing something with you at some point in time. They weren't that helpful, we know, but that is because of the system that is already in place, and much like any system (government, tax, sewer) it is severely flawed and needs an overhaul. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!*

* We at Taste No Evil are not suggesting that you actually take to the streets to start a revolution, especially in France, because they already had one, and look where that got them (still stuck in Europe); and the Sewer Revolution, while a great name for a rock band (motto/hit single: "Get Your Sh## Together!"), might not be what this country needs.

So this is what we propose:

Everyone would be assigned a number. This is a number that is updated every five years and judges the attractiveness of its assignee. A committee would be appointed to designate the number. We (exclusive we, that is, meaning TNE and not you) would be that committee.

Now many of you assumed right away that we would be using the old 10-point scale. INCORRECT. The 10-point scale is vague and doesn't make much sense. Different people like different things about members of the opposite sex and can give excessive points for, say, nice feet when the rest of the package is less than stellar. What we have created is a 16-point system with a certain number of points assigned to different body parts and sections — checks and balances, if you will:

At this particular point is where we get tricky, and here lies the true genius** of the system — the X factor. The X factor points are points that are awarded for such things as good hair, a nice walk, being a good athlete, (if you are shallow) the person having money, or a good sense of humor. If there is something about someone that just makes them sexy, they can be awarded X-factor points. One can also lose X-factor points for things such as an annoying voice, bad teeth, past indiscretions and so on. These are taken off their total as opposed to added (see genius!**).

** Jono did not in fact come up with this idea, so it is probably not genius.

So we have this ranking system in place, and then to make dating simpler, you can only date, or ask out, people within a 2-point spread on you. Everyone would have a card with their number on it, so if an unattractive guy comes up to you at the bar, you can point blank ask to see his card, and if he has a 4, and you are a 7, you don't even have to say another word because the deal is TOAST. It avoids awkward situations, makes dating simpler, and shrinks the potential dating pool. If you want to date down lower than 2 points, that is your business.

This system may be called "shallow" or "not feasible," but think of it... a world where everyone carries a card with them, labeling them as something, making it so we don't have to be scared of social interactions and insecurities when interacting with others. YOU have a right to ask out someone who is within your point range. AND if someone does not have a card and they try to pick you up claiming that they "forgot it" they get deported back to Mexico, Cuba, Canada, or Europe with the French where they belong.