23 August 2007 Who Is Ron Paul?

Riding amongst traffic the other day I passed a car with a "Who is Ron Paul" bumper sticker. This question was swiftly and deftly pushed to the back of my mind, as highly philosophical questions such as those posed by bumper stickers should not be pondered while zooming haphazardly though traffic. Upon further examination I decided I didn't care who Ron Paul was and instead focused on what he wasn't... which is a bagel sandwich. That same day, though, I was forced once again to deliberate this question as I was assaulted by people passing out business cards on Ron Paul in the conservative hub that is Harvard Square. At first I thought maybe he was a new injury lawyer in town, but that was blatantly wrong. Ron Paul's business card, in all its red, white and blue glory, let me know that he was simply a man joining the ranks of the second fastest growing career in the United States (behind talk show hosts): presidential hopefuls.

Which leads us to Taste No Evil's latest installment of A 2008 Presidential Run!. If you need to catch up on the series, go to our Archive section or the first article in the series (you should save it — it will be a collector's item, and we guarantee it will at least quadruple in value by 2008.)

The Quick Facts

Name: Ron Paul

From: Texas

Past Experience: was a Congressman several times — won 3 times without being an incumbent (whaaa?). Ran for president as a Libertarian in 1988, so already has more experience than most of the other "second tier" candidates in losing "the big one."

Profession (other than political): Gynecologist (makes kissing babies a little easier, but we are hesitant to shake his hand...)

Nickname: Dr. No (due to the number of bills he has voted against, motto: "If it isn't in the constitution I ain't voting for it" (making it difficult when it comes to anything technology related... "I don't see anything in here about this 'inter-net' — is it in the US waterways?"). Good thing he is a doctor. Mr. No just doesn't have the same ring to it.)

Where he stands:

In 1988 Ron Paul ran for president under the banner of the Libertarian Party (motto: "Protecting your right to kill squirrels with an elephant gun one bullet at a time."). Despite going back to the Republican party for electability reasons (apparently Ron Paul (R) would beat out Ron Paul (L)), he still stands by all of the views that he held as a Libertarian. What is in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would still vote for things only expressly authorized in the constitution. Roses are like that. And what does our Constitution suggest according to our rose of a candidate Ron Paul? Limited government, low taxes (let me see — low taxes, low taxes... oh here it is, right after the freedom of speech and before our right to make fun of the Canadians), sound monetary policies (a million dollars for a low-flow toilet... by 2083 we will be making money on that flusher!), doesn't think there should be federal control over education (leave no candidate behind!), and is adamantly opposed to Roe v. Wade (women are not mentioned in the constitution anywhere — look it up — so that means the government can do with them as it pleases!). On the plus side, Ron Paul does believe in evolution — at least more than Mike Huckabee does.

Some other fun facts!

In the 1988 presidential race, Ron Paul (L) got third with 431,000 votes — a whopping .47% of the vote. RP ran as a Libertarian because of his stance against the war on drugs (you gotta fight/for your right/to paaaaarrrrr-tteeeee!); we're wondering what has changed since 1988? We're guessing he had a bad acid trip and decided maybe drugs weren't the best way to deal with the horrible reality that is a cash-starved, losing presidential run — but we could be wrong. Ask John McCain.

Speaking of which, McCain once said to Ron Paul's chief of staff that "you work for the most honest man in Congress." Which makes him the skinniest fat guy in the room and makes us wonder what kind of road the "Straight Talk Express" that John McCain drives is riding on. Hint: it is a mountain road.

For more information on Ron Paul, visit New Hampshire sometime over the next few months and go deer hunting with automatic weapons in the company of Ron Paul, who will be living there begging people to talk to him until he drops out of the race — or decides to become a Libertarian again. Our guess is that he'll be against the war on drugs again real soon...