11 January 2007 Year in Preview

This time of year a lot of writers like to do a "Year in Review" article. It is easy, takes little to no effort on their part and allows more time for eating, football, and enjoying the snow (unless you are on the east coast where it has been beach weather). [NOTE: we at Taste No Evil do not believe that global warming is taking place; we deal with "facts" here. Not scientific mumbo jumbo.] While it is definitely our style at Taste No Evil not to work hard, we also strive to be different, so here is our "Year in Preview" article! Try and keep up with us, you "real" journalists.

January:

With the new Democratic leadership in the House and Senate, George W. Bush gives his State of the Union Address for the first time behind a spit shield. In his address, Bush suggests that the two sides try something new and work together. He is then laughed out of the chamber.

Despite Iraq not being in a civil war, armies form on two distinct sides wearing blue and gray uniforms. They then march on Gettysburg. Awkwardness follows for all parties involved.

January 2007 goes down in the record books as the warmest January in history. There is great rejoicing. Bears that are unable to hibernate join in the festivities; casualties ensue.

February:

February loses its title as "Black History Month" to become "Obama Month" as Barack announces his intention to run for President on the show Oprah. Oprah becomes his campaign chair and chief fundraising official. Obama is a frequent guest on Oprah's show, causing ratings to drop. Dr. Phil takes over the time slot with his no-nonsense self-help that we have all come to love.

President Bush sends 20,000 more troops into Iraq to stop the violence. Citing the need to put the "fear of God" into the Iraqi insurgents, Catholic priests are recruited to be soldiers and work with the young men of Iraq. On this same line of reasoning, Mike Tyson is put in command of the troops, because, as Bush states, "he looks darn scary," and Sylvester Stallone is put in charge of Strategic Command due to his "strong track record as exhibited in Rambo I and III, but not II."

Outrage races though the Muslim world as Zippy runs a comic strip featuring the Prophet Mohammed. It isn't funny (except to The Drawer, who eats erudite randomness up with a spoon).

Dick Cheney organizes a quail hunt with leading Democratic Party members, many of whom get "lost in the woods. In the FACE." ABC starts a new TV series based on it. CBS runs a "CIS" episode and a "Without a Trace" episode both based on the event. All conclusions point to alien abduction. Which leads us to March...

March:

...when in order to keep "illegal aliens" out of the country, construction begins on a wall between Mexico and the United States. There is large support for the project due to Fox News confusing the country as to the difference between aliens from foreign countries and those featured in the hit movie Aliens. Sigourney Weaver is placed in charge of construction. Canada whines about not having their own wall.

Scientist logging data on weather and temperatures cite March 2007 as the warmest March since the Cambrian Period. These scientists are subsequently sued by the "Women's Association for America" (WAA) for saying "his"story in reports as opposed to "her"story or even better "our"story. WAA will lose the suit; radical feminism takes a major blow, Oprah's ratings drop further.

April:

While one axi of evil has been toppled, the other two (commonly referred to as the bicycle of evil) continue their no-goodness in April by furthering the development of nuclear arms and startlingly inventing nuclear legs. Iran detonates a nuclear device in the desert, creating what scientists call "a lot of glass." Kim Jong Il eats too many beans with dinner and creates what scientists call "a lot of gas." Unilateral talks ensue to deal with both situations. President Bush sends Kim some Beano.

The first presidential debate takes place in April, and despite the ridiculousness of this, the candidates are even more ridiculous. Hilary Rodham-Clinton, when asked about the war in Iraq, tags out of the match to allow Bill to jump up to the podium. McCain makes a crack about blowjobs, Edwards jokes about Giuliani's combover, Oprah pushes Obama off the platform and gives everyone in the audience a new car. Kucinich is ruled the winner of the debate.

The 2007 MLB season opens without anyone bringing up steroid allegations and every player testing negative for abuse **snrkcht** sorry, that's a blatant lie. Keep on shooting up, guys!

May flowers sprout in April, leaving the showers with little to nothing to do but move on to...

May:

...when the conflict in Darfur is solved because people form groups on The Facebook addressing the problem. In response, Rupert Murdoch's MySpace takes over an African county and "solves" all their problems with a game plan drafted by George W. Bush. Predictably hellish and bloody chaos ensues. Welcome to Web 2.0.

In entertainment news, a large scandal hits the show American Idol when it is discovered that the White House is actually monitoring and changing all the votes people are making to pick whom Cheney wants to win. (Practice makes perfect.) The scandal is leaked to the New York Times by Condoleezza Rice, who apparently wanted "the gray-haired guy."

June:

Apple starts sales of its new iPhone, which it claims will "leapfrog the competition," to the general public. Unfortunately, the rotary dialing system is hard to use and causes many wrong numbers. In response Motorola introduces the new "Electric Razr," which doubles as an electric shaver. ("It's your all-in-one morning solution!")

Due to population problems, China looks to tighten its control on the birthing rights of citizens even further by doing away with the "one child" policy and implementing a "half child" policy. The government in press releases simply states "You have to share." In related news, China tries to free Tibet, but they "refuse to leave," according to the Chinese administration.

July:

Hybrid cars sell in record numbers as the price of gas climbs over $5 a gallon. The spike is said to be caused by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who claims to have gone "back in time" to "kill da oil." Republicans blame John Kerry after a botched joke. GM is cited as missing not only the "market window" as far as hybrid cars go, but missing the entire "market barn wall" as they continue to stress that they will have a working prototype "soon."

Al Gore releases his second movie, A Very Inconvenient Truth. Apparently global warming is STILL taking place. He just wants to remind you. In the movie, Gore states that "the breadbasket of the United States will shift north to Canada," prompting the Canadian government to begin building a wall to "keep out the riff-raff that will follow." When asked by the US to define "riff-raff", a copy of The Simple Life: Season II arrives at the White House. The wall goes up.

August:

In an attempt to get back at the earth after being demoted, Pluto goes postal and slams into the Pacific Ocean, causing small waves to lap up against Japan and Hawaii and effecting the total destruction of one toddler's sandcastle.

Prince William announces his engagement to Kate Middleton, causing shockwaves throughout the British Empire — at least for the paparazzi, who all rush to snap photos of the new princess-to-be. She preempts them by posing in Playboy. Prince William gets a high-five from Hef.

In other British news, terrorists are stopped in an attempt to poison the British population through the use of "blood sausage." Says one official, "At first we thought that they were a legit operation — I mean, do you know what goes into a blood sausage? But apparently plutonium isn't one of the original family-honored, time-tested ingredients." Paris riots.

September:

Speaking of riots, the 2008 presidential campaign is in full swing, with promises being made on all sides. Hillary promises never to "give or receive" a BJ in the oval office (or the bedroom), Barack changes his middle name from "Hussein" to "Abraham Lincoln," and Mitt Romney swears that he will never have more than one wife, stating "Come on! Could you handle all the nagging?" John Kerry tells a joke, drops out of the race.

School starts and students rush back to classrooms looking to become fully engaged in the learning process. After one day, they remember what school is actually like and stop trying. US students fall yet further behind in math and science compared to the rest of the world. On the plus side, a fair number still test higher in English than their Chinese counterparts.

New Zealand becomes fed up with Australia and their "sexy accent" and begins to move further south.

October:

Fantasy leagues heat up as more and more people join in to have their own football, basketball, soccer, baseball, hockey, or congressional teams take the field. More people are involved with fantasy sports than real sports, but can someone take off a helmet and use it as a club online? In similar news, the website Second Life, where people can go live in an online world with characters they created and spend actual money, claims to have reached over 5 million "residents," prompting the question of how these people can have a "second life" when they don't have one to begin with.

President Clinton, in an attempt to "get away from his wife," travels the country promoting his new "healthy" TV programs to promote weight loss and healthy eating habits in kids. When asked why this is so important to him, he explains, "I want what is best for our kids — nobody likes a fatty." Fat people get up in arms, but then sit back down because they are tired.

Due to the weather, almost every major news station is sued by Native Americans after the continued use of "Indian Summer" over the airwaves. Judges agree that it is quite warm for this time of year.

November:

O.J. Simpson tries to publish his book "If I Did It" again under the pen name of Dick Cheney. The murder weapon is changed to a shotgun and somehow a quail is involved. O.J. Simpson is bitchslapped back into obscurity.

On the topic of Celebrities Gone Wildly Insane, Mel Gibson begins production on his next movie, The Book of Job. Unfortunately, it gets cancelled after Mel gets pulled over drunk again and goes on a tirade accusing Jews of everything from causing the attacks of 9-11 to inventing the semi-colon. He is beaten senseless by the po-po.

After another scandal involving young male pages, Congress passes a law making it so that only extremely attractive young women can work as congressional pages. There is great rejoicing. Bill Clinton redoubles his efforts to get his wife elected to the presidency.

December:

And on that note we jump into December, when due to the Democratic Party shifting around primaries and whatnot, New Hampshire, in order to maintain its first in the nation primary, hosts the election on the 20th of December. Kucinich wins.

Chavez in an address to the UN, calls George Bush a "poopy head" and makes a crack about still being able to smell the methane up on the podium. The United States shuts down the UN, telling the world they can have it back when they agree to "play nice."

The hot toy of 2007 is the second version of the Nintendo Wii, called the "WiiWii." At this point it is very apparent that the Japanese are laughing at us.

December is very, very warm.

* * *

And thus we end the year 2007. It will have had its ups and its downs, but in the end everything will be pretty much the same as it was at the end of 2006. The country will still be in a war it doesn't know how to end, politics will be dirty and most of the country will not care, the Patriots will be in the playoffs hunting for another Super Bowl win, another record will be set for the hottest year EVER, and we at Taste No Evil will be wasting our time 1) futilely fumbling for the fantastic fruits of the funny-tree and 2) using hyphenation to salvage dire alliterations. Happy New Year. Enjoy the future, even though it is less fun, indeed possibly depressingly meaningless, now that we've told you all about it. Tally-ho!